


i will swallow gold and spit fire out.

by anthxny



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst, Female Character of Color, Gen, LGBTQ Character of Color, Nonbinary Character, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Poetry
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-19 22:11:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 2,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11322723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anthxny/pseuds/anthxny
Summary: there is a fire. a fire in my chest that everyone else tries to put out, but i let it burn.poetry.(i attempt to update every single day.)





	1. fall into the water enough and they will accept you as one of them.

they are disasters, and he is perfectly fine with cleaning up the aftermath.

 

he is a hurricane. someone who will force himself into your life and carve his space there. he destroys everything in his path. he has _no_ regard for your feelings at all. he has storm cloud eyes that no one likes to look into because they are afraid of what they will see.

he is a thunderstorm. (a side effect. a by-product. an aftertaste.) he is violent. electrical. lightning strikes that will hit your chest and make it alright. he is fierce, so intense and _awful_ , you don’t know what to do with him. with drops of rain on his face, you cannot tell if he is crying or just existing.

they are a fire. uncontrollable. unpredictable. a beautiful, blazing inferno that is so wondrous that you don’t even realize that you are melting. you are in a trance because they paint their face with flames. their eyes are bright, and their skin is dark.

 

sometimes, they fight. they take sides and bring out the skeletons from the closets. ( _everyone_ has them). they scream and the boys kick, and they don’t know what to do. there is lying and cheating and leaving. (someone always leaves.)

but afterwards. it is alright. they kiss with snow-covered lips and laugh with thundering voices.

 

yes, things do become cataclysmic catastrophes. critical crises that force everyone into their own corner.

but they know they _absolutely_ adore each other.

 

they are disasters, and he is perfectly fine with cleaning up the aftermath.


	2. travel advice.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> my best creations come from when i am not looking for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i thought of this at 2:16 in the morning.

the space between their legs is a two-star hotel;

decent enough to rest in,

but not good enough to stay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you'll have to pry nb laf from my cold dead hands


	3. dictionary definitions of reckless relationships.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i sit down and think about what my words taste like.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i imagined alex as the writer for this. you can choose the recipient, you know, eliza, aaron, john, or maybe someone else.

there are no words to describe how i feel about you.

 

i spit onto my quill every morning and peel my skin off to use as parchment. i sit at my desk of lies and slouch down in my chair of doubt. 

i cannot do you justice the way i wish i could.

i think i love you.

“love”. such a fickle and meaningless word. i do not love you. i definitely do not like you. i don’t adore you. i am not infatuated with you.

i cannot ever tell you feel, and i should be sorry, but i am not, my dear.

 

letters float, and commas sink.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you liked this. i write for those who cannot.


	4. the keys on my laptop are gone.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> place violets over my eyes so i don't have to see you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a bit ambiguous, but i felt like john when i wrote this, but it is completely up to interpretation. i love it when i write something, and i already have a set idea on what it means, but someone else comes up and gives a completely different idea.

if you were to wake from your bed made of wires one day, and you realized i was gone,

do not write about how wonderful i was, because i wasn't.

i was reckless and ruthless, violent and vain. i pushed away everyone, because the second someone gave me a bit of attention, i became even worse.

i am now where i belong. in the cloud, plugged up where i can hurt no one.

screens stare.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i just think it's wonderful how twenty-six characters can make us feel this way.


	5. nothing hurts more than wanting someone you can't have.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he lights my heart on fire and drinks the water obliviously.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wanted to write john's point of view of alex and eliza's wedding. i might do angelica's perspective, if you want?
> 
> i self-project onto these characters so much (especially laf and john)

**i.** john’s tongue is covered in a thick coat of metal. silver. second best to eliza. not good enough for alexander. he is in the backroom with lafayette and alexander. _his_ alexander. laf is finishing up their makeup. the groom is stressing over his vows, completely oblivious to john’s anxiety. “my god, what if i mess up? what if i talk too little, and ‘liza’s got a whole essay? i need to revise…” he mutters, reaching for something to write with. the french person takes the pen from alexander. “non, my friend. this is your day. eliza loves you, and you love her, yes?” alex nods. “well, your love means more to her than any of your words could. get ready. it will be alright.” _you hear that? alexander hamilton loves elizabeth schuyler, whose last name will change in about 15 minutes. you are completely irrelevant. you are nobody.”_ lafayette applies a final coat of lipstick and checks their phone. “well, mes amis, it is time.”  

 

**ii.** john and alex enter through the side door. the groom and his best man. the groom and his best friend. alex gives a smile towards his friend. john wants to bottle up this final affection and keep it forever. _wow, you are so selfish! it’s supposed to be your friend’s day, but john can always find some way to make it about himself._ _from now on, alexander’s love is for elizabeth, forever. ‘til death do them part, huh?_ john closes his eyes and takes deep breaths to regain his composure. he tries to smile, to be happy, to be anything but this.

 

**iii.** “well, i just wanted, i just want-”  _ what do you want john? to have alex all by yourself? to deprive him, and eliza, and and angelica and everyone else of happiness? to be selfish?  _ “i’m super happy for alex, and…”  _ are you really though? you’re not angry that the love of your life is leaving you for someone else? it doesn’t make you want to rip your heart out and give it to him? _ “i’m just really happy for alex and eliza, and i wish them the best life.”

 

**iv.** they kiss. the spitting image of a perfect couple. alex takes her hand and his bride throws the bouquet of flowers. (john doesn’t care who catches it.) the married couple walks towards him, and he has to turn away to avoid vomiting over the beautiful bride.  _ my god, look how gorgeous she looks. she is stunning. kind. smart. good enough. not like you.  _ eliza’s cheeks are flushed, and they’re so in love, it makes john sick. he wants to split them apart, anything to make them stop being so  _ happy. _

 

**v.** he drinks. my god, he drinks. everyone else is laughing and singing. lafayette’s dancing with angelica, and hercules is with peggy. alexander and elizabeth are in the middle of the floor by themselves, whispering to each other.  _ do you see them? perfect for each other. see the way that she presses into him perfectly? she practically folds into him, and his strong arms hold her up like a building? you’d give anything to be her, huh?   _ john almost chokes on his liquor as he watches his love, his  _ alex _ , with this beautiful, gorgeous woman who is better than him.

 

**vi.** “my friend, are you alright? come, come have fun with us!” laf laughs, pulling on john’s arm as their dress swishes back and forth. john yanks his arm backwards, spilling his bottle all over the table. “i’m not in the mood, okay?”  _ god, so rude! stop pitying yourself, and get up, at least act like you’re having fun. you’re hurting laf, you’re hurting everyone. no wonder alexander didn’t want you.  _ lafayette blinks slowly, backing away from him. john sighs, using a few napkins to wipe up the spill.

 

**vii.** everything hurts. his throat burns, and everything is spinning. everyone is kissing each other goodbye, and giving eliza and alex their congratulations.  _ get up, stupid. why can’t you do anything right? you are a failure. you aren’t worthy of alex, or anything else. _ john can’t even bring himself to stand up. his legs aren’t here. his head isn’t here.  _ he  _ isn’t here. he doesn’t want to be here. john pushes himself up using the table. 

 

**viii.** “john!” alex grins, throwing his arms out for his friend. john is scared of leaning into the hug because he knows that if he touches alexander he will melt and cry and scream. he doesn’t know what he wants. he wants alex and eliza to be happy together. he doesn’t want to ruin their marriage. he wants to love alex. he wants alex to love him.  _ that’s not going to happen! when are you going to get that through your thick skull? he is married! he is going to move in with his wife, and they will have beautiful children together. you are not apart of the picture.  _ “um, hey alex. congratulations. you too, eliza.” alexander awkwardly puts his arms down and wraps them around his wife. a knife in his chest would have hurt less.

 

**vi.** “well, we’re going to head back to our house.” alexander smiles, placing a sweet kiss to the side of his wife’s face. “do you need a ride?” eliza laughs as she kisses him back. she leans into the crook of his neck and sighs sweetly. john’s annoyed with this display of affection.  _ look at you. pathetic and jealous because you can't always have what you want. it’s my way or the highway, huh, johnny? could you be even more pitiful?  _ john swallows his insecurities, and shakes his head. “i’m gonna, i’m gonna, call a cab.” they couple nod, and begin to walk away, still glued together. without turning around, alex calls, “good night, john!”'

 

**v.** john watches them walk off. he falls to his knees and grips his middle and throws up the bitter doubt in his stomach. he can’t tell if it’s the alcohol or the way eliza makes alex so happy or the fact that john can’t. he spits and wipes his mouth, kneeling next to the pool of vomit. tears are threatening to spill from his eyes, but he forces them back with a sharp inhale. he breathes in and out as he stands up. he pulls out his phone and calls for a cab. a few minutes later, his ride is here. while walking to the car, he trips and cuts himself on a piece of glass. blood spills from this wound, but john doesn’t care. nothing hurts more than wanting someone you can't have.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really hope you liked this. comments are usually better than kudos because they are usual constructive criticism, but i'm grateful for any feedback, even hits. thank you so much for reading this! have a wonderful day!


	6. becoming my own soulmate.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> an essential epiphany.
> 
> or when alex thinks about his relationship with john.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise i will get around to doing something other than lams
> 
> i thought of this as john sort of "neglecting" alex, and all he wants to do is write poetry about his true love, but he can't. he finally realizes that he can write about other things. i don't know, you can think of it as something else. you know i love interpretations!

how?

how am i supposed to write sonnets about you when you've never called me your everything?

you've never told me that my dirt brown eyes shine like diamonds, or the cigarette smoke in the air isn't enough for you to cough me out of your lungs?

you never said that you would make the world spin backwards for me, or that i am the light inside of your bones?

 

you have never told me that you love me, but i will write about other things, and it will be alright.

 

 

i will be alright.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you liked this poem. i try to update every day, because i know the struggle of reading something good, and they haven't updated in seven years.
> 
> (i'm praying you think this is good.)


	7. do you want me, or do you need me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he doesn't know what he wants, but i will always give it to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> okay, so this is a modern representation of philip's feelings during the publishing of the reynolds pamphlet. in my modern era universe, alexander published a book disclosing the affair. the media is all over him, his family, james and maria.

philip wants to protect his father. he wants to rip each and every one of those books apart with his teeth. like an animal. he wants to run up to his father’s office and scream at jefferson and madison, and especially burr. they pressured his dad, called him a criminal. he wants to climb onto the roof of his house and yell at the reporters, “my father is not a bad man! he made a mistake. he is not a thief, and he is honest!”

philip wants to protect his mother. he wants to shout in his father’s face until the resentment in his heart dies down. he wants to hold his mother while she sobs and make sure that she eats everyday. (sometimes she forgets.) he wants to let his aunt kill his father. he wants to shield his siblings from the media and answer all of their questions truthfully. no more lies in this family.

philip wants to protect himself. he wants to dig his fingernails in his hair and pull to make it all okay. he wants to be a normal kid, to play games and worry about school, not his father’s career and his mother’s sanity. he wants to cry so much that he drowns. he wants all of the heartache and betrayal to go away. he wants, he wants, he _wants_. he wants to do anything to feel anything but this. death would be better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> what do lin-manuel miranda and i have in common?
> 
> good writing? ha yeet
> 
> we both love to torture anthony ramos' characters!


	8. (s)he's here!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they are here, and they want to scream so their lipstick smudges, and their eyeliner smears and you acknowledge their presence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you feel the self-projection tonight?
> 
> jokes aside, this is from laf's point of view

i like to think that i am okay.

it is a nice thought.

i really would like to believe that.

(wouldn’t it be nice if i could think that everything i said was true?)

but i am fine with not being okay now, because i know that one day i will be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i will fight for the idea of nb laf i promise


	9. questions with multiple answers (not a poem)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry, this isn't poetry, but something that i've been thinking about.

would anyone be interested in a gift exchange? it would have to be hamilton, and while i would be open to all types of writing, poetry would be the best!

leave a comment if you're interested, and if you're not, maybe a suggestion for my next piece?


	10. the pinnacle of the social hierarchy.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> he fits in the cookie cutter shape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i like to think that this poem takes place after "we know". aaron's super excited about slamming alex.

aaron can’t help but giggling like a child. he’s finally with the cool kids, finally included. that’s all he’s ever wanted.

granted, the “cool kids” are only thomas and james, and thomas sort of bosses him and james around, but it still feels nice to be apart of something. to have people look out for you, to have people actually care. 

maybe this is what he’s waited for his whole life. 

he’s finally here! this is where he belongs. at the top of the social ladder. in charge. in control of 

it’s good to revel in the madness. it’s good to rub it in hamilton’s face. after all, he just takes everything. greedy and insolent and selfish and impatient! he doesn’t know how to wait. but good things come to those who have that knowledge.

it’s good.

oh, dear lord, it’s good.


	11. regretting all of the lies i've eaten.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> too thin, too thick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i swear the self-projection is strong with this one.
> 
> but anyways, laf needs to think about themself

i am sorry that i do not have straight hair for you to run your fingers through while you tell me i am beautiful.

i am sorry that i do not have pale skin to carve your words into and leave fingerprints there.

i am sorry that i do not have blue eyes for you to stare in while you think i'm not looking.

i am sorry that i am not short enough for you to brand a kiss on top of my hair.

i am _so_ sorry for everything that i have not done.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> when you're thirsting for validation


	12. polarized thinking.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> just thinking, like i always do.

i feel like i should make a chapter with all of my headcanons, just so my poetry makes sense???

because i just realized that it might be a bit confusing.


	13. apologizing.

i'm sorry that i haven't updated a real poem in a while, i'm just at a loss for inspiration/ideas.

i'm also working on a gift at the moment, so that's primarily where my creativity is going.

if there and any other writers out there who would like to critique my work in exchange for me critiquing theirs, i'm always here.

and if not, maybe some ideas on what to write next?


End file.
